The following story is based on real events. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Details have been severely exaggerated and/or completely made up in order to make it sound more awesome.
Welcome to The Adventures of Captain Awesome! Today’s epic adventure, The Tear It Grand Prix at Metal City Motocross.
*Slam* The door closed as Captain Awesome entered Sharky Bugel’s Blazer. The two were off on another adventure. They were enroute to Bluesburg, Souf Carolina (come on and Raise Up) for some Moto and Endurocross action in the Tear It Grand Prix.
During the 2 hour trip the duo discussed the pure awesomeness that they both experience on regular occasions. Especially the awesomeness known as Offroad Junkies.
Upon arrival to the track, the duo met up with ace photographers Rod Shoreham and Mark Lemonrick. Those two are good photographers. Like, really, really ridiculously good.
The group went to go get some hot dogs from the concession stand, that’s when they realized of their big mistake, they now had food poisoning which led to 20 extreme minutes in the bathroom. Lots of diarrhea was excreted from their anuses. Like serious, really, really ridiculous amounts of diarrhea.
Upon exit of the bathroom the saw race promoter, Vance Duke. Yes, that’s Bo and Luke’s cousin that was in a few episodes. Captain Awesome yelled “oh my gaaaahhh, it’s Vance Duke. Where’s Coy Duke? Wait, I hate those episodes, where’s Bo and Luke?” to which Mr. Duke replied “They werent paid enough.”
After the poop debacle and the pleasantries with Mr. Vance Duke, it was time for the race to begin. Sharky Bugel lined up with the Pro class which consisted of 4 other riders. Stewart Bailey, Brian Balloon, BJ Sleet were Mr. Bugel’s competition for the day. Additionally there were around 7,000 amateur riders as well. Most of whom would not survive the first turn, more details on that soon to come.
The start was unique. There were numerous porta-potties next to the starting line. Each rider had to exit a porta-potty in the nude, run to their bike and completely gear up before taking off. The first row went fairly well, Sharky Bugel would end up eating dirt in the second turn but no big deal there.
What happened over the next 15 minutes was beyond words. As the 7,000 amateur riders made their way through the first turn, 6,948 of them would be claimed by the numerous land mines scattered throughout the first turn.
Half way through the first lap, five more of the amateur riders were taken out of the race by a pissed off, drunken badger. Five more of them were taken out a short time later by not making the 75 foot jump over a pit of lava.
Throughout the next lap and a half, 7 riders would lose the race by not making it past the firing squad fast enough. The final three riders who would not make it through the race, would lose it by flat tires…. After running into the punji pit.
None of the riders who lost the race, died. They respawned but had failed the level and could not complete the race.
In the end, there was a giant bonfire with lots of karaoke and drunk people. In fact, a lot of drunk rednecks showed up out of nowhere… They brought their Pabst Blue Ribbon, their Skoal, and their Skynyrd records all to have a merry old time.
Overall it was a wonderful day for Captain Awesome who finished up one of the sickest videos of all time. He also just looked really hot and stuff while there. Like, really, really ridiculously good looking.
Captain Awesome says, until next time kids, stay awesome…. and away from the drunken, pissed off badgers.