So have you ever had the urge to test your local motorcycle shop to see who actually knows what they’re talking about and who’s a total spode? Well, I’ve compiled a list of things you can do to have a little fun during your next visit to your local motorcycle shop. However, these aren’t things to try out at a dealer you’re loyal to or where people know you. This is a way to go weed out some hosers and have some fun.
1. When greeted, don’t say a word. Stare blankly for 3-5 seconds at the person who greeted you then walk off.
2. If asked what brought you into the store, tell them that you are “looking for some hookers and blow”
3. Go to the bathroom, make tons of loud grumbling noises, then casually walk out and announce “woo. I feel about 10 pounds lighter. Feel sorry for whoever has to clean that up”
4. Bring a plastic bag of dirt into the store. Begin sprinkling dirt on the fenders of a bike. When an employee confronts you, simply tell them that you wanted to see what it would look like after you ride it.
5. Wait for a sales associate to being helping you. First tell him that you want a streetbike. After he shows you several streetbikes, glance over and see a 4-wheeler. Say you’ve changed your mind and want the 4-wheeler. When he’s giving a speech about the 4-wheeler, change your mind again and say you want a dirtbike. After checking out several bikes, change your mind again and tell him you’re just going to buy a new car.
6. Touch as many display items as possible. Say “boop” as you touch each one.
7. Touch as many shiny streetbikes as possible. Leave fingerprints everywhere you can.
8. Ask to sit a on a bike. When you get on, start to fall over the other way. Save it at the last second, then jump off in a panic, say nothing and leave.
9. Randomly fall down.
10. When talking to a sales associate, ask him if a random bike has a powerband.
11. Make a sales associate show you several units. For each one, ask if it has a powerband. If he explains there is no powerband, nod and say “oh, ok” and then continue to ask about it.
12. Try to order an item only available in one catalog. When being showed the item, state that you want it ordered from a different catalog. When it’s explained that the item is only available in that certain catalog, get mad and leave.
13. Talk to yourself… A lot.
14. Randomly walk into service area and begin critiquing the skills of the mechanic… Be prepared to possibly leave with a black eye.
15. For every streetbike you see, ask if it is a Harley. Continue to ask for every bike.
16. Use the word “bro” a lot.
17. Put your own stickers on bikes. Then say you’re trying to make it look siiiicckkk.
18. Strip down to your underwear and randomly begin trying on a set of gear in the middle of the showroom.
19. Casually ask the price of everything you can. Always respond with a “mmmm” to show that it’s too much.
20. Use profanity way too much in sentences that don’t call for it when talking to people.
21. Talk loudly on cell phone throughout entire visit. Mention the bikes you’re looking at, and constantly say “I don’t know, some kind of Harley or something”
22. Try to order a set of gold series FMF powerbands.
23. Go to parts counter. Say you need parts for your 4-wheeler… When asked what kind, say “a red one”
24. Say you need a part for a 1988 KDX200. Give a very poor explanation of a random small part. Have them show you the parts fiche, and constantly say “nah that’s not it”. Finally return to one of the parts you denied and say “that looks like it. I don’t know”. If it’s cheap, order it, pick it up then say it’s wrong and get pissed off.
25. Ask for stickers.
26. Ask “what you got for free?”
27. Try to bench race moto stuff with someone. Call every rider by the wrong name and always say “yeah, he’s crazy”
28. Talk about your neighbor that races motocross. Constantly say “yeah he’s really good. He wins his class a lot at (insert goony track here)”
29. Ask for directions to the nearest meth lab.
30. Ask for directions to “the Harley dealer. I wanna see some really fast dirtbikes”
31. Put on a helmet and walk around the store with it.
32. Ask everyone if they know “that Travis Pasteraner guy”
33. When looking at 4-stroke bikes, constantly ask if it’s a 2-stroke. Ask why there’s no 2-strokes
34. Sit on one bike. Get off, sit on the bike next to it. Get off, sit on the next bike. Repeat until you’ve sat on everything.
35. Act interested in a bike. Go all the way until the sales guy begins paperwork, then say nothing, get up and leave.
36. Constantly ask if you “can test ride that?”
37. Ask why bikes don’t come with numbers on them. Don’t numbers mean they’re faster?
38. Ask which 4-wheeler will be best to take through “deeper than hell mudholes”
39. Use a redneck accent and either talk incredibly fast so nobody understands you, or entirely too slow.
40. Talk about your Banshee that you used to drag race up and down the road and nothing could beat you.
Pretty sure all of this was done to me when I worked at other shops.. but only smart people shop at DCC so I don’t have to deal with tires (pronounced tars) or listen to random redneck guys tell me about how many “deers” they’ve done keeled.